I Died In Despair - Snily
by Eurythmatix
Summary: Lily calls Snape in desperation for him to come visit her. What she doesnt understand is that Snape will do anything to have her back, however, he refuses to come in between a married couple, even if Lily admits that she made a mistake by marrying James.


**Name: **When I died inside

**Author: **Janey Roberts

**This is a ONE SHOT. No continuation after this. Hey, I'm working on a story with Snape and Lily. It's called 'The Scent of Lilies in his field of darkness'. Check it out! I'm running through their lives using my desired plotline. I know you'll love this and you'll love that sequel. ENJOY!**

**oOoOoOoOoOo**

"I need to see you, Severus", Lily said softly, her hand clutching the phone as her breaths came almost too quickly. "Please don't do this to me."

There was silence at the other end of the line then the familiar sound of him breathing. She lifted a shaky left hand to her damp forehead and sobbed.

"You're married now, Lily. I cannot risk seeing you again."

"Please", she begged, shaking uncontrollably. "James isn't home. He isn't. I just need to see your face, look into your eyes once more. It was a mistake, Severus. You have to understand that."

And suddenly the terrible flashbacks filled her mind. She was making passionate love to the man that she once called her most hated enemy, the boy whom in his teenage years always tormented her life, trying to win her love. But why had she done it? Why had she surrendered to that lost cause of a man?

She was desperately in love with her best friend, her life was tormented after finding out that he had gave in to becoming a Death Eater and what she needed the most was some way to grasp back a bit of sanity. He had given himself up just because she had blatantly refused to give him another chance at proving his love for her. Lily had foolishly rejected him without even pondering on the fact that Snape had never been a man to express his love boldly. All in all, he had never made an attempt to be as brazen as James Potter. Instead, Severus had showered her with love via other means.

A bouquet of roses every Sunday freshly picked from some garden that he took time to traverse through to gather them up for her.

The cards that always came with her personal owl Almond: expressing how he was terribly sorry for everything, how he was dying for a second chance and how he wanted nothing in the world but her to be his love.

And then there were the times he used to spend with her every second of the days that they could manage to be together at Hogwarts. There he'd sit silently beside her as they both read and the silence wasn't any bit uncomfortable. The silence was that of understanding, acceptance and trust.

He was the one who stuck by her side even when James used to taunt her about her flaming red hair. She remembered Snape picking up her books from the floor after James had knocked them out of her hands, leaving her staring in his wake as he stood at a distance smirking at her. Snape had been the one to bravely sleep over at her house when she had the most terrible flu one summer. He had held her hand and wiped her damp forehead, comforting her when she couldn't sleep.

And why had she slept with James Potter? Why had she allowed herself to make such a terrible mistake? It all began with a passionate kiss which led to her surrendering herself to him. And she did so because she was heartbroken after Snape had decided that he would give himself to Voldemort. It was her fault and she had nowhere else to go but to James Potter whose poetic words and brisk advances somehow remained etched in her mind. And before she knew it, before either of them knew it, Lily Evans was pregnant.

She became Lily Evans Potter three months later, with James fearing that his son would grow up as an outcast, a mistake and a hopeless result. And even when the baby was born, he hadn't been there. James wasn't there to hold her hand and wipe away her tears. It was until she was about to give birth, then someone showed up. But it wasn't the man who married her. It wasn't the man who she used to frequently call a toe rag.

It was Severus Snape.

'_When I grow up, I want to marry you', Lily said sitting on the grass with her legs crossed. 'We shall have two children, a boy and a girl.'_

_Snape smiled then he gently caressed the back of her hand with his slim fingers. 'You choose a name for the girl and I will choose a name for the boy.'_

_Lily's forehead creased with concentration as she thought it through. 'The girl's name shall be Rose Marie.'_

'_And the boy's name shall be Harry. Harry after my grandfather whose magical blood passed down to my mother then to me.'_

'_Oh, Severus!' she cried wrapping her arms around him. 'How nice!'_

_oOoOoOo_

'_What shall I name him, Severus?' she whispered as she looked down at the baby in her arms. 'Shall I use the same name you suggested years ago?'_

_Tears came to his eyes as he looked down at her then at the baby boy in her arms. 'Can I hold him?'_

_She watched as he softly took the baby from her that was swathed in cloth, peering down at something that should have been his. And yet, yet he never scowled or displayed an angry face. Instead, he smiled then gently used his thumb to caress the boy's cheek. _

'_Hello, Harry', Snape said softly, his black coat billowing as the night wind swept in and around them. _

And Lily was suddenly drawn back to the present where she was grasping the telephone, trying as hard as she could to keep him on the line. She peered out the window through hot tears, watching as the wind brushed through the trees.

'I can't Lily', he whispered. 'You have chosen your way and I have chosen mine.'

'But I didn't choose this', she cried, 'I wanted to be with you. I wanted –'

'Nothing to do with me', he continued hoarsely, 'on countless times I begged for your love, I pleaded for a second chance and yet you never loved me as much as I loved you.'

'I did love you!'

'You _did_', Snape said. 'If you wish for me to utter the truth, Lily, I will say this to you. It was never my intention to risk everything to be the lover of my enemy's wife. What I wanted was for you to be mine and not his. He never did love you the way I did for I was always the one to be by your side. Yet you never saw through that curtain.'

'I'm sorry!' she sobbed into the mouth piece. 'Please save me.'

There another stretch of silence.

'I can't –'

'But you promised! You said that you'd always love me!'

'And you said that too. You are now married to James Potter and Harry's your son.'

'Always, Severus Snape', Lily reminded him.

'_And you promise that you'll love me forever, Severus?' she asked as she lay next to him beside the dirty river that flowed through Spinner's End._

'_Always', he said turning to look at her._

'_Always', and she entwined her fingers with his as they once again gazed into the sky above them._

'I have to go, Lily', Snape said all of a sudden. 'I can't do this, please.'

'I can't live without you. I'll kill myself', Lily said softly. 'I'll die without you by my side.'

'One year ago, when I chose to become a Death Eater, I died as well. You killed me when you married him and now I have to live forever with nothing but half a heart that can barely survive. You will always have the other half. Keep it because at least it reminds you of the mistake you made by surrendering to James Potter who never loved you. You might as well try to love him.'

'Severus I –'

'Goodbye, Lily', Snape said cutting her off. 'Give Harry Potter a kiss for me.'

And with that said, he hung up on her, leaving her staring out the window as the weather somehow reacted according to how she was feeling. All through the night a storm raged by. And all through the night, Lily lay in bed thinking about the serious mistake she had made.

**Writer's Note: Hope you enjoyed it. Please Review!**


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